I must admit…

I felt a little uncertain about sharing the loss of our dog Bella in such a public way. With all of the terrible things going on in our country and around the world, I felt bad for being so sad about our loss. However, the rational side of me understands that it is okay to be sad. A loss of any kind is sad. And maybe I am writing this to give myself permission to be sad.

When my father passed away many years ago, I didn’t tell anyone except a few close friends. I don’t know why. I guess I just didn’t want to bother anyone with my troubles. I just tried to power through. That is what we did growing up.

I’m not sure if it was finding love with my husband or the love my children brought into my heart but I definitely feel things differently now. I’m glad I shared and I’m so grateful for all of the kinds words I’ve received. My neighbor and my friends have comforted me in ways I didn’t even realize I needed.

Today, I hung this beautiful wind chime (Thank you Nagma and family) where our beautiful Bella rested in the sunlight for the last time. We placed a thick, outdoor blanket there just in front of this swing. We all sat around her until her last breath. My mom sat in the swing (not able to sit so low) and the vet and my husband raised Bella on the stretcher to her so she could pet her and say goodbye also.

It reads:

Pawprints LEFT BY YOU

Life seems quiet without you, you were far more than a pet. You were a family member, a friend, a loving soul I’ll never forget.

As I drove my kids to an activity this evening, I looked at the beautiful changing colors of the leaves and thought how ironic it was that such beauty came from something dying. Then, I immediately reflected on how Bella’s passing seemed so beautiful that day and I felt gratitude all over again.

I do hope that my kids will have a much healthier relationship with their feelings than I did as a child. Just as we celebrate wins big and small, so will we embrace the losses big or small.